Lisbon on Steroids

by Jim Bellomo | Oct 18, 2024 | Uncategorized

Allow me to explain the headline. The photos you see above are pictures of our tour guide both yesterday and, sadly, today. This is Fatima. She is living proof that the Viking guides with talking problems are not limited to the Mediterranean. Long-time readers of this blog know that back in 2022, we did a 21-night cruise with Viking Ocean from Athens to Barcelona. During that cruise, I often complained that it seemed like our guides were being paid by the number of words they spoke. 

But last Christmas, we did our first Viking River cruise and did not experience the same problem. All our guides were excellent, and they knew they didn’t have to keep up a constant monologue throughout our entire tour. Our guides on that cruise were some of our best ever. The same was true about our Viking guides on our Norway cruise in June. They were awesome. 

Fatima, on this tour, never stopped talking. Those of you who know me personally know that I can be quite a talker. In comparison to Fatima, I am a lousy amateur. And her voice is shrill. Imagine having your tour led by Minnie Mouse with a slightly deeper voice and much more volume than Minnie would ever use. And that person was in your earbud talking to you. No matter how much you turned down the volume…it was shrill.

Right now, I am writing this on a bus that is taking us from Lisbon north to Porto, where we will meet our river boat. Fatima is on board and has not stopped talking since the bus started moving. She is on a microphone, so you can’t avoid her even with headphones in your ears. Not only has she not stopped talking, but she hasn’t even taken a breath, and we have been driving for 20 minutes. If this is my last post of the trip, it’s because I have been talked to death. 

But back to yesterday (Thursday—on this trip, it’s hard to remember what day it is). We awoke to some rain, but by the time we had breakfast and boarded our “luxury motor coach” for our tour, the sun was out, and it was a beautiful day for the rest of the day (except for in my ears). 

I do need to say something about the “luxury motor coach.” I often make fun of the buses we ride on because they never call them buses; they are always “luxury motor coaches.” But this one really is a LUXURY MOTOR COACH. It is built to hold 51 seats but has only 38. I can actually sit in a regular seat on this bus and cross my legs. It’s amazing. There is WiFi, power, and so much more. The seats are very comfortable, and they recline without killing the person behind you. And because there are only 120 people on a Duoro River cruise (small locks make for small boats), we have four buses taking us north with only 120 people between them. That’s why I can write this while we are moving. I have half a row to myself. And there is room for me to hold a laptop and type comfortably. Amazing!

Another great thing is that these are actual Viking buses, not charters, and they will be with us all week. As we float up and back down the river, they will drive the roads along the river to meet us at our next stop and take us on shore tours. That’s impressive. 

Our day yesterday started in the village of Belém. It is the home of the pasteis de Belém (the amazing Portuguese custard tart) and our destination, the Jerónimos Monastery. We arrived at the monastery before it opened and got into a long line of groups who would tour ahead of us. We waited about 45 minutes until the monastery opened, and our group was the fifth one in the group, so that wasn’t too bad. What was kind of a disappointment was the monastery itself. When you go in, you can really only see a big courtyard. Yes, this courtyard has two levels, and you can go up to the second level. As we walked around the courtyard, Fatima kept up a running patter about everything we saw, from the walls to the ceiling to the doors. She did her best to ensure we knew everything we were viewing. I know she did her best because she repeated most of what she told us two or three times. 

Once we had circled the courtyard and been in both small rooms on either side, that was it. We were back out on the sidewalk. As a public service, I wanted to walk up the line of the people who were waiting up to two hours to get in and paying almost 20 euros, saying, “IT ISN’T WORTH IT!” but Kathleen wouldn’t let me.

So we were back on the bus and headed to our next stop, the Belém Tower. I had been to see the Tower (which is truly impressive—see the photos) during our December visit. The Tower itself had not changed—it’s been the same since 1515. What had changed was the number of people swarming around it. Fatima told us that October is still the high season in Portugal, which accounts for the massive number of travelers everywhere we look. When I came to take photos in December, I was almost by myself. Yesterday, there were hundreds, if not more. Days like this make me understand why there is such an anti-tourism movement in so many parts of Europe. We totally get it, and this is our last planned trip to Europe for now. 

I did get some great photos of the Tower, but I had to work hard (at least Adobe’s AI engine did) to remove most of them from my photos ?. Let’s take a break and take a look. Don’t forget; if you click the first shot, you can scroll through with your arrow keys or by swiping. And PLEASE…don’t look at my photography on a phone. Please…

By the way, it is now 20 minutes later, and she is still talking. She did take a rest for a few minutes, but that was it. Another thing that she needs to consider is that she says some things that people might find offensive. I don’t care what anyone says, but she has used the word “Christ” a few times as an expletive. That’s offensive to some people. And she spent much time yesterday complaining about people who have driven the prices of housing up in Lisbon, going on and on about “rich people,” not thinking about the fact that, in all likelihood, if a person is on a Viking cruise, they would easily fit into her definition of “rich people.” She spent time decrying people who could afford to live in “million-dollar homes” when most of us already do. 

Getting back to yesterday, after we visited the Tower, we drove around the city for about half an hour before heading back to the hotel, where we got lunch in one of their three restaurants. This time, we tried Soul Garden. According to their website, it is the home of “Asian-Mexican” cuisine. I’m not sure I have ever heard that combo before, but we loved the outdoor seating area and thought the menu looked interesting. it worked out well as lunch was so good, so we came back and had a bunch of appetizers for dinner. 

Most of our party took naps during the afternoon, but I decided I owed it to my loyal followers to go out and walk to take pictures. And here’s what I got. Enjoy! Don’t forget; if you click the first shot, you can scroll through with your arrow keys or by swiping. And you know how I feel about people that look at my photography on a phone.

Fatima update: We stopped for a “comfort break,” Now she is talking about Spain and Belgium. WTH does that have to do with Portugal? I am sitting on the aisle at the very back of the bus, and she is facing forward, talking to the windshield with her arms going a mile a minute as she speaks. Did I say speaks? I meant as she yells. We are now getting a lesson in romance languages. We are now getting a lesson on the sounds you only hear in Portugal. It sounds exactly like I do when trying to clear my throat…when I have a nasty cold. Half an hour later, she is still talking. OMG. Everything is how the people in Portugal are the best people in the world, and everything in Portugal is the best in the world. I guess the rest of us are chopped liver.

Right now, she is explaining why parents in Portugal are better than their counterparts around the rest of the world because they don’t put crisps in their schoolchildren’s lunches. Seriously. She is having a conversation with the people directly behind her in full voice on an open microphone, so we all have to listen to her. This is literally torture. It’s sad that the one thing most of us will remember the most from our bus ride to Porto is this woman yelling at us.

I thought I was done with my Victor Mildrew act (hello to my Brit friends), but we just had another patented Viking “fun time.” This is where, in the pouring rain, Viking stops in the middle of a town, tells you that you HAVE to exit the bus, drops you there for an hour or so, and tells you this is “free time.” So there we are, walking around in the rain, getting soaked, all so we don’t get to the University (where we will see a special library) at the same time as any of our other buses. I understand, but why did we have to get out of the bus and walk around in the pouring rain? When I asked Fatima what we were supposed to do for 75 minutes in the pouring rain when Kathleen needed to sit down sometime during that time, she said, “I don’t know. That’s not my problem.”

After our 75-minute walk in the rain (we bought a coffee to have a place to sit), we returned and headed to the Biblioteca Joanina at the University of Coimbra. This is truly a beautiful library, but for me, it was spoiled when our excellent (sarcasm-intended) guide insulted me by calling me out for taking photos in an area designated “no photography.” The problem was that I wasn’t taking pictures, and she called me out on it while speaking to the entire group on our audio devices. So I looked like one of those asshat Americans you hear about. I had my BIG camera at my waist (not holding it up to my face); she looked at me and said, in a very loud voice and on the audio system, “No pictures! You can’t do that!” I turned to her and asked her how dare she speak to me that way. I was in no way taking photos. My camera was pointed down. From that point on, I was the bad guy.

I believe she had a chip on her shoulder about me because I asked her what we could do for an hour in the rain. She was condescending to Kathleen when we told her that Kathleen would not be able to walk up or down the set of stairs to enter the library. All she needed to say was that there was a handicapped entrance (where a local guide helped her in and to sit down while we climbed up and down stairs), but she knew how much I did not appreciate her and had to take it out on my bride.

OK, there were some really good things we liked on the ride north. We stopped for a nice lunch in Coimbra, which was very good for a banquet-style lunch. They included an excellent Fado (the traditional music of Portugal) performance. It’s much better than the one Kathleen and I had seen in Lisbon last December. We are now back on the bus and on our way to the ship. Thankfully, our dear Fatima will be returning to Lisbon and is not a guide we must put up with for the rest of the cruise. And here are the photos I took today. Look at ’em any way you want. Phone, computer, tablet, I don’t care. That’s how ticked off I am right now.

Help! She’s talking, and she won’t shut up.    —Me, about our Viking guide Fatima in both Lisbon and all the way to Porto